Dear Diary: The Odds of Hogwarts Couples
by MsMacBeth10
Summary: Luna receives a diary, and she begins to document the strangest pairings at Hogwarts.
1. Prologue: The Gift

Dear Diary,

I received you as a Christmas present from Neville! I am _so_ excited, as diaries are believed to have their own minds (my father was the one who told me that), and a new friend is always wonderful!

As for a name, hmm…maybe I should call you Neville? He did give you to me, after all. Then it would feel as if I was actually talking to him, but no, that might end being too confusing…Harry? No, that wouldn't work, either. Dobby? Nargles? Radish earrings…radish…Raddi? That has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Raddi it is!

Well, Raddi, now that you're appropriately named, it is time for the adoption ceremony!

I, Luna Lovegood, claim you as mine, and no one will dare take you away for any purposes! If they do, they will feel the wrath of, um, Thestrals!

XX

Oh dear, Professor Flitwick nearly caught me writing in you earlier. I told him I was taking notes…lying is awful, Raddi! It's simply _awful_! Don't make me lie for you again, you hear?

I probably shouldn't be writing in you now during dinner, either. Cho just said that if anyone else noticed, they might try stealing you away to read you. That will _not _happen anytime soon, I promise!

Oops, dear me, if you start actually smelling like radishes, I'm so sorry! It was an accident! Terry Boot knocked my arm as he was reaching for the butter, and some radish dropped onto you when my hand shook! Agh, perhaps a simple cleaning spell will do the trick…but I don't remember it! Hold on, let me ask someone —

Cho saved your life! You should thank her immediately! Right this minute!

Thank Nargles you're alright! If you smelled like radishes for the rest of your life, I would probably want to eat you instead.

That's enough for now, I suppose? I really need to complete that potions essay Professor Snape assigned today. Too bad you can't help me with that.

Have a good night, Raddi!

Love,

Luna Lovegood

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><p><strong>AN:**

**I clearly do not own Harry Potter. **

**This idea came to me after various discussions involving random crack pairings. So, I thought, why not take things from Luna's POV? And voila, this story came to be! R&R? (It is meant as a parody-type fic!) **


	2. The Enigma of Blaise Zabini

Dear Raddi,

Have you ever wondered what gender Blaise Zabini really is?

Oh, Merlin, that has _got_ to be the most _strange _and _awkward __q_uestion I have ever put my mind to ask. But here's the thing, Raddi!

I mean, sometimes he would be all boyish and hang around Malfoy and his friends. Then other times, he'll be all together with the girls and flirt with _them_. Hold on a minute, why am I even worrying about Slytherins? I should be looking for Nargles!

I've tried asking Ginny. Do you know what her answer is? I don't think you would like to know, though I'll tell you anyway. She said: "Either way, he's still pretty hot." Okay, I admit, he's not bad-looking when he's a _he. _

And you know _what_? He asked her out on a date!

Don't be surprised when she accepted it.

Though almost immediately, he began talking to Ronald instead. Hmm, that makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Yes, Raddi, I have come to the conclusion that Blaise Zabini is gay. Not that I mind.

He's talking to Harry now. I wonder what they could be talking about...? Oh, no! He's coming this way! I must hide you, Raddi, before he sees you!

_"Oi, if it isn't Loony Lovegood." _

_"Hello, Blaise Zabini."_

_"Pretty polite here, are we?" _

_"Is there anything you wanted from me?" _

_"What were you doing, Lovegood? Writing while watching me?"_

_"Nothing that concerns you." _

_"Were you drawing me, perhaps? Admiring my good-looks?"_

(He sounds like Draco Malfoy more and more by the _minute.) "Oh, no! I was counting how many Billywigs were hovering above your head." _

That completely changes _my _theory about him, anyway! His reaction was pretty interesting, to say the least. If you haven't guessed, he ran away screaming that I had bewitched him into rolling in a field of flowers.

I have no idea what flowers have to do with Billywigs.

Well, that must be my strangest entry yet — though I can't say much since it _is _only my second entry!

Love from,

Luna

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><p><strong>AN:**

**I clearly do not own Harry Potter. **

**R&R?**

**Ah, the confusion regarding Blaise Zabini. (Billywigs are found in _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_)**


	3. Apples are Delicious

Raddi,

It seems that not a whole lot of people care about poor Blaise Zabini, judging from the number of reviews... (Oi, Luna, stop breaking the fourth wall! Wait a minute...people are reading my diary?). Not to mention that Harry barely notices him. Or whatever gender he/she is.

Ah well.

You have _got _to see what I saw! Not that you can see...but the Malfoy boy was eating an apple earlier. Green!apple. Are green apples extremely sexy or something? I have no idea... but his fangirls were shooting death glares at the apple all day. Who knew people can be jealous of fruits?

Side note: green apples are indeed delicious, though I am not planning to marry a green apple anytime soon!

Hmm... I heard someone mutter "drapple" — is that what Draco and the apple are called together? Possibly. What rubbish. Honestly, Raddi, just because I write in _you _all the time doesn't mean I'm in love with you!

Does it?

Never mind!

But my point is, look over there — Neville is eating grapes (excuse me, Raddi, but I must go and warn him that there may be aodijis infesting them. Horrible things. They sting your lips and...well, they're just awful.). Whew, I'm back. Now Neville will never look at grapes the same way again! My Neville-saving mission has been completed!

Anyway, what I was saying was that just because Neville is —was—eating grapes, it doesn't mean he loves them in a romancy way! Really! Drapple. If it's like Drapple, Neville and grapes would be called Nape. How very strange. Or, would it be Lape?

And would Professor Snape and apples become Snapple? Like that one American drink brand that my father is so fond of? Perhaps that was how their name came to be!

Fruits are meant to be consumed by people, not loved by people. Of course, one can always love fruits...just not in _that _way!

That would make them crazy.

Shaking my head in disbelief,

Luna.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**I clearly do not own Harry Potter. **

**R&R?**


End file.
